identity – Impressional Imprint

Am I Still Writing?

Someone asked me this question the other day: “Are you still writing? I haven’t seen any stuff from you lately.”

Internally, I had a slight Sarah moment (from the Bible in Genesis 18) when her husband Abraham was being spoken to and told that she would have a baby. From another tent, she laughed inside and thought against what was said. I literally laughed within myself before I physically said “yes.”

The only problem with writing is that when it becomes you, whatever is on your inside will begin to flow through your work. This could be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Your work can begin to reveal you. This is not the same for all writer’s; and I’m not suggesting or posing that it is, but this is the case for me currently.

So, I am still writing but I haven’t been publishing my works to the world. As a writer, I am very conscious of splitting personal works (not for public domain) and public works (blogs, websites; etc, that is shared with everyone). I don’t believe that everything you write should always be shared. I don’t believe in just releasing everything you write to the world. And I don’t believe in releasing works prematurely. I believe that you need to have wisdom in what you share with people as it can; and more likely will, impact them. I only wish to better a person, and quite frankly all that I have written lately does not always do that.

A writer’s works need to be filtered through, only bringing out the best whilst still revealing the reality of what is going on. But again, this is my view and not your holy grail.

If you know me, then you’ll know that my writing is very much focussed on the mind. I love creating characters and diving into their minds, and seeing what is happening inside of them in order for them to be shown. It’s quite like a revealing, I reveal them from the inside out; hopefully having a happy ending but this is not always the case.

Lately my genre has been psychological thriller. My works have been focussing on the inner thoughts of a person: what they are saying inside that is different from the outside, what they really believe, what they like, what they don’t like, where they agree and don’t agree, what they really think of themselves, etc.

Whatever I write and in whatever format I do it in, it becomes very mental heavy. It engages the reader (currently myself) to really take a look at themselves. At times this can become very weary as now that I am further in my process of becoming a writer (see my previous post on this) my works are asking me the question of: Is this in you?

As a writer, when your work starts speaking to your personally, it can be quite a scary thing. When the character becomes more of you than you intended, you can only begin to answer the questions yourself; honestly and purely.

So again, yes I am still writing but I am also having a Jacob/ Israel moment (an old and new nature fighting against each other). My challenge has always been whether what I have is good enough, and unfortunately some people have answered the question incorrectly for me, and I have stupidly let them.

Now I need to answer that question myself and know how to press forward. So I need God to work on my inside so that all the writings I release are strongly convicted in me and freeing to the world. So just because I have gone quiet, it doesn’t mean that I am not writing, but I am walking out this writer’s walk as my writings ARE ME.

So you will be seeing my writings soon. Bare with me as I war against myself and find confidence again in what God has given me. It’s not always so easy to “get over yourself,” but it is always possible to walk through it and be the best you.

Man’s Masks

I don’t know whether you have seen it or not, but there is an episode called ‘The Haunted Mask‘, in R. L Stine’s collection; Goosebumps.

When this was turned into a television series, I used to watch this episode several times as a child. To summarise the story, it is halloween and everyone is going trick or treating. Carly Beth is looking for a mask, but cannot find one she loves. She goes to a certain mask shop and sees a room full of them, but the shopkeeper forbids selling these specific masks. She steals the scariest mask and wears it. Over time, the mask becomes harder to take off. She, literally, bonds with the mask; changing who she is.

Here lies my interest… one simple question I ask you… What Mask Do You Wear? As a society constantly split between two choices, two decisions; two ways, at what point do we pick up masks that are not who we really are?

As Carly Beth put on the mask, she took on a new persona; a new personality. She became mean and had evil intents in her mind and heart. Her nature began to change. Masks conceal who we are, both in a good (but not the long run, in order to show us something better ) and bad way.

Humanity has many masks, but I will only name a few. Do you hide under the mask of pride, thinking you know it all and are not willing or open to hear any other truths? Is it the mask of fear, completely stopping you from achieving any goal or moving forward? Is it the mask of low self esteem, hiding internally because of not being sure of how you will be perceived or are uncertain of things? Maybe it’s the mask of rejection, thinking inaccurately based upon a feeling and doing things in order to be accepted by a particular people or person? Others include rage, frustration, anger, lust, being two faced, envy, jealousy, etc… there are many!

People either ignorantly walk in masks, having acquired them over the years for various reasons, or choose to put them on. Either way, as there is a mask on, we will ultimately manifest and walk in it. They first affect our mind, infiltrating into our heart and then we begin to physically manifest them.

Sometimes life puts masks on you and other times people put masks on you through their behaviours or words, either way we wear masks. Things aren’t all bad and we can be real… WE HAVE A CHOICE OF WHETHER WE WEAR A MASK OR NOT.

Carly Beth came to a point of internal conflict. How she used to be, a good and sweet girl, she could not see that this side of her turned evil with the mask on. Spiderman in the film Spiderman 3 also realised that his nice nature changed when he wore the black Venom suite. Carly Beth and Spiderman are in the same boat of wearing something that is not really them.

This is where there is hope and it is found in ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Acknowledgement is simply recognition (identify something seen, heard, known, etc) of the existence or of the truth of something (Dictionary.com). Truth is a fact or a reality that someone/thing becomes conformed to (Dictionary.com).

Carly Beth acknowledged THE TRUTH that this mean nature was not her, but it was actually the mask she wore. Spiderman acknowledged THE TRUTH when he saw that the proud and unapologetic behaviour and speech he manifested was not him; but the suite he wore. They acknowledged their masks with truth. They also acknowledged that this wasn’t who they wanted to be. This is key because this will determine whether you choose to lay down your mask or not.

When we acknowledge truth the process of taking off the mask can be painful. We are naked but we dare not be ashamed. It is hard to peel off the years of masks, the residue they leave can be scary but IT CAN BE DONE over time and the cost of going through the process to remove them is worth it.

We MUST present ourselves with truth daily. We must acknowledge and depict the thoughts in our minds, the intents of our hearts and the sound released from our mouths. The only way you break free from any mask is first to acknowledge it and then daily choose to put it down. Find truth and stick to it. Walk with those who walk in truth too. Sometimes it can be hard to see and accept truth, especially when we ourselves are exposed, but we must in order to not be deceived.

Carly Beth returned to who she really was. Spiderman became who he originally was. They had to deal with the consequences of the masks, but they were ultimately restored to their original natures. Just like any rehab treatment or recovery process, it will take time but with the right help and company of people, the only mask we wear is who we were originally created to be.

Relaying this to us today, will we choose to become who we really are or will we continue to put on man’s masks? You have a choice.

I leave you with a simple thought. To paraphrase Stasi and John Eldredge, we are always becoming something and God is concerned with what we are becoming. Ask yourself if who you are is REALLY who you are…

It Costs To Be Me

‘Being Yourself’ has to be one of the biggest challenges that people face in their lives. The ability to be ourselves from the innocent in age to the fully formed adult the world has come to know. It seems like a never ending conquering wall in which we must climb until we reach the top and shout ‘victory’. Our world, its cultures and societal structures consist of visual imagery and sweet rhetoric forcibly fed to us reinforcing an identity of who we really are.

In growing up we become the lab rat for some weird experiment. A symphony for advertisers in which we sometimes fall in tune with and dance to due to the richness of their beauty. After years of becoming accustomed, captivated and sometimes mind numbingly unchallenging, we too can believe that which has been presented to us is who we really are. Just as if the mirror off the wall were walking hand in hand with us as best friends rather than reflecting our true self. Before you know it it is not until you peel back the layers that what we see underneath can be really quite different.

Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually we are on a journey and this journey is called life. Whether good or bad, life forms and shapes us into who we are today. Health, beauty, education, religion, relationships are just some of these branches which grow from us and form the fruit of their impact on us. Your choices play a big role in this shaping. Situations, circumstances and how we react to them emphasise who we become. Spiderman is a great, even though fictional, character that correlates with this blog post in its intended context. He clearly expresses that it costs to be yourself, your true self. This is very evident in the Spider-Man 2 movie.

Peter Parker was your average typical guy who was raptured in science. His benevolent relationship with his aunt May and Uncle Ben, perplexed relationship with Mary Jane, roller coaster friendship with Harry, scurrilous working relationship with his horrid boss Mr Jameson, unpopular lonely exterior were yet again some of Peter’s branches of life. After his spider bite and transformation into the infamous Spiderman, his life changed including all his branches.

In living and trying to balance two separate lives an internal battle was created. The life of Peter Parker was both drastically and involuntarily changing in order to become Spiderman. All of the branches as spoken about above aided this internal war between Peter Parker and Spiderman. Peter could no longer hold fashion to the demands of Spiderman. You can not be two people otherwise they will soon collide. Spiderman had a very different branch, he required the soul (mind, will and emotions) of Peter in order to defeat evil and save both the city and people therein. Peter’s soul and therefore his identity were in turmoil and at war on the battlefield. You can not be two people otherwise they will soon collide and one will win; which one is your choice.

SpiderMan 2 shows a season where SpiderMan loses his powers and Peter can once again live. His personal life had become a broken jigsaw puzzle and Peter’s soul was wavering. The heart and desires of Peter were enmity against the requirements of SpiderMan. He makes decisions based on what he wants rather than on that which he was newly becoming as SpiderMan. Some of those decisions prove fatal because it was going to cost Peter something; himself and sometimes we are not ready to count the cost of giving up ourselves.

To summarise throughout the rest of the film Peter has to make a choice; to live as he used to with a quiet, lonely and uninterrupted life or be the hero he has become because of change in his life. If you have seen the SpiderMan movies or read the comics then you’ll know he chose SpiderMan… but it cost him. I am not saying that he can not or will never be Peter Parker because that is not true but it costs him some of his branches in order to become who is really is.

To be your true self it will cost you something. This could be relationships, friendships, values and morals, jobs, health, beauty, religion, education, wrong thinking patterns, ritualistic behaviour; anything. The branches in our lives can sometimes have damaging effects but who you really are is what the world needs, not a form of you but a true identity. We all go through stages on experimenting and transitioning but if we become the person who we really are we must weigh up our branches and accept the reality that it will require all of us to be ourself.

I Think I Get The Wicked Witch

The Wicked Witch- Oz The Great & Powerful

I was at my sisters the other night and ‘Oz The Great & Powerful’ was on one of the movie channels. I have not watched this film previously in full, only spot checked it at work; so I had only very little idea of what to expect.

It was a good film to be honest but what I loved the most was how they depicted the wicked witch. The wizard came to town; the man that had been prophesied about (forseen/ spoken of) and believed in soo much that would end the wicked witches reign of terror. The film reveals the story of wicked witch falling in love with the wizard. I was shocked about this as I never knew there was this side of the story, I just thought the witch was just wicked. This really stood out for me and made me think about the witch in a different light and why she was the way she was.

The story goes on to unfold how the wicked witch thought he was hers; that she would be his Queen. She pretty much fell for him. However this was not the plan, mindset or heart of the wizard; she was not for him in that way. She goes to her sister heart-broken and wants to not feel the pain. Her sister, after manipulating the situation further then gives her an apple; to her surprise it turns her into the green monster that she is today.

What I find most captivating is her transformation. Her ugliness came out because of what the wizard had done. For those who have watched the film, you could say that it was all in the witches head or that it was obvious he did not want her. That is true however when we look a little closer the wizard expressed these feelings of not wanting her in that way to his friends; not her. That is my point, that is the part of the story I would like to discuss.

I came across the above Bob Marley quote on someone’s Facebook page. This came back to mind after watching this film. It reminded me a lot of the wicked witch. In life we so often see the external manifestation of an internal wound. In this case the witch turned a green skin tone and became extremely nasty, more nasty than previously as all she had was a bad temper; this being the external manifestation but if we back-track a little we see why this happened. She had hopes, desires and dreams of becoming not only loved by the wizard but his Queen, this being unfulfilled and unmet led to her becoming heart-broken and making an agreement/ vow of never wanting to be heart-broken again or ever feel that pain; this being the internal factor. So there you see it, the external manifestation of an internal wound.

Lets face it most of us have been in this position in life at least once; heart-broken about something. Who ever really wants to feel that pain, sit with it, think about it? Who wants to ever express it? I know I don’t, do you? With this in mind I think we can take it a little easy on the wicked witch. I am not excusing her behaviour but I am seeing her wound. Choosing to never sit with or deal with her heartbrokenness did not help matters and caused the pain to take root and grow into bitterness. She chose to act out of her wound rather than act out of getting over it. I am just saying I can identify with why she is the way she is, not justify it.

I always get angry at the above Bob Marley quote and stories like the wicked witch. I hated the fact that a man would come into a woman’s life, open her up like a flower and then BAM, do something that then causes her to shrivel back up like an old prune. This is also the case for women doing it to men. I am UNIVERSALLY speaking; even in friendships; all forms of relationships, etc. However I guess I am still walking out my own healing and deliverance in this area. Getting better understandings by God alone about the power of forgiveness and love.

I always remember T.D. Jakes saying “hurt people always hurt people”. I have never forgotten this but hurt still hurts. Regardless of what people do we always have a choice; we deal with the pain or we become the pain like the wicked witch, letting it take root and turn us into something ugly which we are not. It is not easy to make the right obvious choice but as the Bible says in Deuteronomy 30:19 “his day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live,” (New International Version). The key words being from this verse being Now choose life.

Will you choose life?

Will I Ever Be Able To Defend You Again?

I wrote this post 9 days ago and never posted it so here I go now…

I have thought a lot about the Media today. About the Media as an industry, as individuals and as a world dominator on human life. The sad thing is that as much as I love media, I actually cannot defend it much in debate.

A month ago I was invited to a youth event and the organiser of the event shared her heart about the event, why she did it and what her end goal/ dreams were. Whilst sharing she touched on the media and its publicity on the youth. She shared her experiences of the media and how they portrayed and represented young people to the rest of the world. Ultimately the coverage overall if rated was BAD. She expressed how most coverage of young people she saw was bad, negative; never showing, sharing or telling of their achievements or if they had made any changes that have impacted the world they live in. Never nothing positive. An example she gave was with regards to the the latest 2012 GCSE results. How one of the first things printed were about how the students had failed and blamed the Governing system as they had changed it. Her daughter had done her GCSE’s and happened to be highly sucessful; her daughter was not congratulated even though she studied night and day- there was no “well done”.

As the woman was speaking my heart sank and I wanted to cry. I remember thinking in my head “we’re not all bad ya’know… I’m not”.

Then the other day, more recently it happened again. I was at another event on identity. As we know it, yes yet again the media subject rolled up again. How the media have and create an enormous impact on identity and how people and things should be perceived. The more she spoke, the more frustrated and sad I became. She touched on how magazines tell you how to look rather than just finding out who you are and being happy with that. Further relating to this there is the whole talk about the body image GSCE.

Again a little voice in my head said “we’re not all bad ya’know… I’m not”.

Where am I going with all this? What’s my point? My point is… THEY ARE RIGHT. Most youth press in the public eye is bad and media have too much imprint on our identity that does not always or mostly have a great effect. The problem is I am finding it harder and harder to defend my baby… the media. The industry I have been learning about since the age of 14/15. The people I have met in the media and the skills and areas I have become acquainted with; I CAN’T defend them.

Not all press is bad and not all news is negative but the impact the media has is quite big, bigger than we know. The media are one of the biggest mouth pieces of the 21st century and beyond. We have reign over every area in the world and have the most precious gift of all… telling the world about the world. We tell you what is going on, what’s new and old, where’s safe and where isn’t, we advertise you, we sell you… summing this up; we give you what you want; but at what cost?

Clearly there is a community out there that the media isn’t reaching. There is a community out there that we aren’t getting through to or if we are we aren’t doing a great job. Why did the lady from the event not feel supported by the media in her cry to help the youth and show the world of their greatness? Why at the conference were study’s, images and “media opinion” so negatively shared. What is wrong? What are we doing wrong media?

The media is sometimes like an adult with a baby’s mouth, we don’t always know how to speak properly. If we look hard enough there are people and organisations with the media that are printing the positives about youth, there are good representations of natural every day women out there… these things DO exist but the problem is they are not always in the limelight like the bad news.

I remember one of the first things I learned as a journalist- “Bad News is good news”. People want to hear all about the bad news. My first thought was “well I don’t”. It was challenging; not everyone thinks bad news is good. Not everyone wants to hear about the bad side of Politicians or the recently known hygiene standards of the NHS being bad; some of us do like to hear about the good things in life. We love to hear about the man who saved another’s life, the bank who helped save a local person’s small business, the couple who got out of debt, the young person who has spoken to society’s most influencial people and changed something for the better. YES!!!! These stories are out there, you just need to look but we also need to make known these things to you.

The media I liken to ‘my baby’. I love it but sometimes when it is in the wrong, I can’t defend even though I would like to. You just have to sometimes sit down and have a think, go back and make the right changes yourself then hopefully the baby will learn.

I URGE you (the people) help us (the media) give you more of what you want. Help us give you more good news, even tell it us and I hope we will get GOOD NEWS more out there. Speak to us and help us changed what we print, broadcast and audibly tell. The media is a massive industry and sometimes you gotta fight tooth and nail to change it. We like everything else have formats, handbooks, codes, etc that we must follow and sometimes these make it difficult for change but we need a people who can think that it’s possible.

I hope one day I can look back and say “YAY” I can finally defend my baby”.

The Masked Avenger

tumblr_m44j043YgU1qhlgbl — Criminal Minds: True Night

Once again, here I go with grossly advertising television programme Criminal Minds. However, once again I must say that I watched another entirely unspeakable episode of Criminal Minds- I jumped straight into season 3; episode 10 titled True Night.

If you haven’t watched it then I highly recommend you do. Basically, just to summarise the episode; a young comic book artist (amazingly drawn by the way) starts to draw these graphically exposed sinister murder scenes of a masked person killing people in certain locations with a samurai sword. However these drawings begin to become a gory reality. The BAU team are sent in to investigate. To cut a long story short, it turns out to be the comic book guy who is drawing the murders then committing them in real time. After experiencing a traumatic event, he went onto to becoming this killer. He and his girlfriend decided to go to the shop to get some beef jerky (as she was hungry) late at night. After purchasing what she wanted, she tells Jonny that she is pregnant and the couple are happy and continue walking. Then they are stopped whilst walking and after hearing the baby news, Jonny proposes to his girlfriend BUT as he pops the question awaiting an answer, they are stopped in their tracks by a gang. The gang mimic the proposal scene and form the traumatic event that causes Jonny to become his NEW identity. They rape his pregnant girlfriend in front of him, making him watch, and then kill her. They then deeply cut Jonny physically wide open in his stomach as well as beating him, leaving him nearly dead.

You’re probably thinking “who cares” or even better “what’s the hype about”, “what’s my point?” Well let me tell you this my friends… my point is the new identity that is formed… the masked avenger formed to cope with the event. My last blog titled ‘The Alter Ego Doorway’ is pretty much linked to this. I talked about alter personalities formed to help us cope but now this time; the trauma, forget or repression of events mentally can actually form a new identity. The WHAT now becomes known for WHY the mask exists.

We look around in society and a big cry of WHO AM I screams out. Young children trying to the adults, adults acting like kids- we could go on but I won’t lol. Identity seems to be stolen, the confident status quo slowly disappearing from the earth.

Jonny McHale played by actor Frankie Muniz (Malcolm In The Middle) simply went through the most traumatic event of his life. His physical injuries and the complete heartbreak of watching his girlfriend been raped and killed; also losing his unborn FIRST baby left him terribly wounded. His mind started recalling repressed memories little by little of what happened. His clear gifting and talents mentally constructed this masked figure, this masked avenger per say. The one who would go out and stop all the baddies; however there was one big problem. The trauma led to a spree of uncontrollable unforgettable events. When you watch the episode, you will see that it was of no fault of his own but the receiving of no long term psychological help allowed this new identity to form and take control- destroying the very little of Jonny that was left.

In this case repression and forget were tools (branches as you would say) used for helping to construct the masked avenger identity. How long do we go on for repressing and seeking no long term help for our traumatic, repressed events in our lives? Do we create a new identity? If so what identity do we create- the killer, the confident chick, the introvert soul, the loud mouth, Mr. I don’t give a damn, the street slut??? What identity do you own or what identity owns you?

Life throws unspeakable things at us- the very smallest thing like a child leaving home for the first time to go out and experience the big bad world to people committing suicide leaving their partners or loved ones behind with nothing but unspeakable loss and painful precious memories. Regardless of the scale, all these events are BIG to a person in some way, shape or form. The pain these events leave behind can be major and terribly factors draining people physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. But our biggest issue is the mask… what we do to get rid of the memories and emotions? The scariest thing we can sometimes do is HIDE.

Jonny could not face what he went through; he was totally broken. The pain of his ordeal let him mentally create a character that took revenge on the gang members who destroyed his life and took everything away from him- Jonny was avenged; his new character avenged him. However Johnny didn’t realise that the character (mask per say) he created was actually himself- how he really felt.

We obviously take into account the mental and medical state of people when dealing with traumatic events but do we deal with the masked identities constructed to help deal with the pain, with the trauma, with the memories from the event? Just from looking at people throughout society you can clearly see that when people don’t deal with any issue they face, it becomes very evident- the issue becomes them. However my thought is that what identity is created when we don’t deal with issues in our lives. Another example would be the King Of Pop Michael Jackson– he created Peter Pan (the boy who never grew up and looking into Jackson’s childhood, he never got the chance to be a boy so Peter Pan was an identifiable character for him and so this identity he had taken on in his own life). Even in my blog post entry, Adam formed Amanda to help protect him. This tells us that we construct identities to shell (protect) and hide the real pain- the raw emotions- our true hearts and minds. However the problem becomes when the identity becomes who we are, when really we are not this identity but have created it to help us cope, help us protect or hide the real pain of what happened- the truth.

The only way we can get rid of these masks is by facing the truth, by facing what has made us do this. The truth is ugly (so they say) and everyone is different and what we go through is different. Not everyone can sit and talk to someone and change just like that- the change is not important but the steps towards making the change to help yourself are important and then the change will come. So how do we move? What do I do?

SEEK HELP, I don’t mean run to the world and tell them your problems but seek the help you need before your mask haunts you.