Have you died in your past?

I’ve become lost in my films again people! This time it’s Me Before You (stunning book and screenplay written by Jojo Moyes and film directed by Thea Sharrock). Such a beautiful, realism romance story – a real tear-jerker. I really wish I could get lost in this element… can you feel the “but” coming? BUT, I actually learned something quite interesting in such a short space of time. Whether I have fully accepted and processed it is another story, but I want to share the thought with you. I ask you this simple question;

Come and take a walk with me…

The above question was internally posed to me when I had suddenly become drawn to a specific scene of the film. Towards the end, whilst on the beach at night, Louise pours her heart out about how she feels and what the future can hold for herself and William.

Louise sharing her heart with Will

 

 

“Listen, I know this is not how you would have chosen it, but I can make you happy.” – Louise 

 

 

Lou was so happy because she thought she changed Will’s decision to live. It was in this moment when the question began to knock hard on the door of my heart. Will said;

Will telling Louise “no.”

 

“No, no Clark. I get that this could be a good life, but it’s not my life. It’s not even close. You never saw me before. I loved my life. I really loved it…” – Will

 

 

 

No matter how much life had changed for Will; for the better in the last six months, he still wanted to end his life. I want us to remove Will’s story and replace it with our own, our own life. Again, I ask you; “Have you died in your past?”

Will could not face the fact that his life had changed because he died in his old life. After his accident, Will became a different person due to circumstances. He missed the life he used to live and who he used to be in that life. I know I’m not the only person in the world to think “gosh, I miss my past.” We all have our “I miss…” moments. Times when we think about something from our past: a trip or holiday, friends and family where relationships have changed, jobs or career choices, when we made a stupid decision, when we danced or sung, when we had a favourite film or television programme, when we cried in the bathroom, when we got drunk or smoked, when we went clubbing; etc. We’re only human, we miss things from time-to-time, it’s normal. Missing a part of our past is not a problem, but if you have died in that past moment, there is a problem as your present is infected and your future is being affected.

I want you to understand that there is a difference between dying in your past and dying to your past.

1. Dying in your past is when a situation or circumstance has affected you so much that you cannot let go and you died with it. When something similar presents itself, you react the same as you did before or become numb because you never really dealt with it. It means you died in the past and are not; or struggling, to live in the present. You haven’t let go.
2. Dying to your past is accepting that a situation or circumstance changed you, but when it presents itself in the present, you respond differently because you accepted and began, or did deal with it. It means you are or have moved on.

For Will, it was a motorbike accident leaving him disabled from the neck down with other health problems, that caused him to not see a better future outside of his past. He just couldn’t see anymore, no matter how good his present had become and great his future really was. I ask you another question; “What was your accident?”

What crippled you? (metaphorically speaking). What is it that has left you dying? What was the situation, circumstance or person that left you dead? What past moment can you not see beyond? This could be mentally, spiritually, physically or emotionally. We are all individuals and our accidents will be different to each of us. Rhetorical questions are always the most uncomfortable because if you let yourself speak to yourself, you find out what is really inside of you, what you really believe and think.

Thinking of your own story, do not be afraid to find life again in your present. Your future can be great if you will die to your past and not die in your past. Miss the memories and don’t die in them. If you have, I’m here to let you know that there is a different way. You can live again! It might be hard but there is always hope. Ask yourself the rhetorical questions above and ultimately answer the title of this blog post. Find good, wise counsel in people. Seek good advice and find life again. Take baby steps that build heart again, encourage you to see and live again. IT IS POSSIBLE!

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Even though Will chose not to live, in the last six months of his life he actually lived in the present moment. He changed Lou’s future even though he couldn’t change his own. The film shows that you can live if you will just go through the process of being changed, coming out of your past and seeing life; not death, in your future NO MATTER what the circumstances or situations.

Be free from your past, awake in your present and alive for your future. 

 

 

 

Am I Still Writing?

Someone asked me this question the other day: “Are you still writing? I haven’t seen any stuff from you lately.”

Internally, I had a slight Sarah moment (from the Bible in Genesis 18) when her husband Abraham was being spoken to and told that she would have a baby. From another tent, she laughed inside and thought against what was said. I literally laughed within myself before I physically said “yes.”

Laughing to oneself

The only problem with writing is that when it becomes you, whatever is on your inside will begin to flow through your work. This could be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Your work can begin to reveal you. This is not the same for all writer’s; and I’m not suggesting or posing that it is, but this is the case for me currently.

So, I am still writing but I haven’t been publishing my works to the world. As a writer, I am very conscious of splitting personal works (not for public domain) and public works (blogs, websites; etc, that is shared with everyone).  I don’t believe that everything you write should always be shared. I don’t believe in just releasing everything you write to the world.  And I don’t believe in releasing works prematurely. I believe that you need to have wisdom in what you share with people as it can; and more likely will, impact them. I only wish to better a person, and quite frankly all that I have written lately does not always do that.

A writer’s works need to be filtered through, only bringing out the best whilst still revealing the reality of what is going on. But again, this is my view and not your holy grail.

If you know me, then you’ll know that my writing is very much focussed on the mind. I love creating characters and diving into their minds, and seeing what is happening inside of them in order for them to be shown. It’s quite like a revealing, I reveal them from the inside out; hopefully having a happy ending but this is not always the case.

Lately my genre has been psychological thriller. My works have been focussing on the inner thoughts of a person: what they are saying inside that is different from the outside, what they really believe, what they like, what they don’t like, where they agree and don’t agree, what they really think of themselves, etc.

Arguing and thinking within oneself

Whatever I write and in whatever format I do it in, it becomes very mental heavy. It engages the reader (currently myself) to really take a look at themselves. At times this can become very weary as now that I am further in my process of becoming a writer (see my previous post on this) my works are asking me the question of: Is this in you?

As a writer, when your work starts speaking to your personally, it can be quite a scary thing. When the character becomes more of you than you intended, you can only begin to answer the questions yourself; honestly and purely.

So again, yes I am still writing but I am also having a Jacob/ Israel moment (an old and new nature fighting against each other). My challenge has always been whether what I have is good enough, and unfortunately some people have answered the question incorrectly for me, and I have stupidly let them.

Now I need to answer that question myself and know how to press forward. So I need God to work on my inside so that all the writings I release are strongly convicted in me and freeing to the world.  So just because I have gone quiet, it doesn’t mean that I am not writing, but I am walking out this writer’s walk as my writings ARE ME.

So you will be seeing my writings soon. Bare with me as I war against myself and find confidence again in what God has given me. It’s not always so easy to “get over yourself,” but it is always possible to walk through it and be the best you.

 

Becoming A Writer: Perseverance

I haven’t blogged in a while. For over two months to be precise. I haven’t blogged simply because I have reached the writer’s epiphany… shall I continue writing?

I have been a writer for most of my life, within some sort of capacity. Whether it is writing academically in education, as a journalist, a creative writer, editor, or even teaching creative writing, I AM a writer. It is who I am and I have accepted that. This is very important for all us writer’s to accept. Not that we think we are writer’s, but we know that we ARE writer’s. It has to be an absolute conclusion within us. However, this does not make the ‘becoming’ process as a writer any easier.

The word Become is defined as:

‘Begin to be, grow to be, develop into, qualify or be accepted as, be appropriate to someone.’

(Oxford dictionary)

In order to become something, you must first partake in a process. This process is a set of life lessons which include: training, attitude adjustment (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual), perseverance, value making and re-evaluating, networking (events and people), having a statement or personal reason for writing, learning what type of writer you are, what you want and enjoy writing about, how you want to write; basically, a system of different actions and/ or steps that will allow you to achieve a specific goal and / or achievement.

I am 27-years-old, and have been writing since I was 11. I have undergone both industry and academic training- and still doing so, to become a writer. Work placements, theories… you name it, I’m learning it.

The process has been both eye-opening and challenging over the years. Even though I am a writer, my progress has hit the wall of perseverance.

Perseverance is defined as:

‘Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.’

(Dictionary.com)

It is the stage of continuing to press and keep going, regardless of how things are, or look. At this stage a writer can grow in or experience deflation, defeat, discouragement, anger and frustration, and these are just a few to note down.

Writer’s struggle with their own personal demons everyday, as everyone in their profession does, concerning their work.

‘Am I good enough? Is my work good? I am not sure I can do this? Nobody is reading my work. It’s not getting anywhere. Their work is better than mine. This is hard. What’s the point?’

Self doubt upon our identity leaves its cruel mark ingrained on writer’s at times. Constant questions are thrown at us and our work daily. BUT… when the question becomes ‘shall I continue?,‘ any writer is in for trouble as it is a crossroads. The choice could go either way… it could be lethal.

I can’t remember the last time I wrote something and felt true passion or joy. I can’t remember the last time writing infused my bones, causing me to keep writing. I don’t desire sympathy from your part. I simply wish to express the reality of a writer’s mind at times.

I’m running on auto-pilot because it’s my gift. It is something that I was partly created for here on Earth. However, this is merely not enough to keep on writing. And this is how I know that I have reached this question.

This is the stage where I am at in my process… shall I continue? A question only you can ask yourself and find the answer to. No, this does not mean that I have given up. No, this does not mean that I will no longer write or have anything to do with writing. No, this does not mean I am being negative. Can I be real with you, if only for a moment? YES, it means I have become tired.

Mental tiredness mixed with very little manifestation of your gift; given, abused or received, can make any person tired. A tired writer is a writer re-thinking his or her thinking and work… a time of returning back to the drawing board… the original vision.

I have always wrote for one purpose and one purpose only… to challenge the mindset and bring change. But when that purpose is not reaching what you expect it to, you can begin to grow weary. To become weary simply means to be mentally and physically tired (exhausted) by hard work or strain.

Now you see why a writer experiences a variety of emotions at this stage. Each emotion possibly triggering their final decision and choice of whether they continue, or pursue something else.

In order for me to move from this place, I must revisit the vision. I must revisit the purpose birthed inside of me… my writer’s DNA must be refocussed. My mind and strength must be re-evaluated.

Yes I will write. Yes I will edit. Yes I will teach and help others. Just because I am tired, it holds no excuse to stop being who I am… a writer. Perseverance is a steady pace. And this is the pace I have to readjust whilst revisiting the vision.

I must find my origin of writing… my passion. I must find the love of picking up my pen again and bringing the words on the paper alive. I must find that place when I sit on my laptop and fiercely type until my stories dance around me. Operating naturally out of my gift is not enough. I must find the source of my writing… the thing that I have lost. The joy I once had because of my own mindset and what I have let others crush within me. To write is more than a gift, more than something I have learned… IT IS NOW SOMETHING I MUST FULLY BECOME.

Taking a step back and looking at the vision does not make any writer a failure. It allows them to re-build and re-train, coming back with a bigger zeal and passion for the thing that they are… writing.

To those who are weary in the writing process… make 2017 the start of your ‘becoming’ process. The process takes years, even a lifetime. Find the courage to become all that you are… WRITER’S. Immerse yourself in writing. Stay in the writer’s process of becoming. Paint the world with the voice of your words. Make it come alive again. Give it something to hope for again. Become consumed by writing, internally and externally. We writer’s are great storytellers… we cannot afford to lose our voice now. We can’t stop now. Find whatever wall you are facing, and knock it down.

Stay in the writer’s process. Persevere with me and I will persevere with you.

 

 

Title Without Character

WHO we are is a powerful statement. How we act, think and feel speak of who we are as a people. They narrate our character.

In life we are on our individual journeys of BECOMING who we are as people. Whether this be spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, in our careers and jobs, tastes of music, education, etc, we are in a process. Our characters are forming.

We can become in danger of wanting things but not developing the character that will allow us to sustain that which we want. Simba from The Lion King is a great example of this.

Simba was the son of King Mufasa, and was the next rightful heir to the throne.  He was very sure of himself knowing that he was born into royalty, he knew who his father was, and he knew that one day he would be king and rule over the other lions and the lands.

At this point in time Simba was only a child, maturity had not yet kindled itself within him. He acted how he thought.

Simba had what we would call in today’s society, an under-developed character. Due to what he knew, he thought that his present tense character was enough to sustain him as king.

Even though he was destined to be king, he had not yet formed the character necessary to be a good king. He wanted the title but didn’t have the character.

A title is something descriptive or distinctive that belongs to someone. Simba’s title was king, but for us it could be marriage, business, a relationship, car, house, job/ new job, head of a department, career, education, money, etc.

When we put character to title within this context, it changes everything.

Definition of character: The aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.

Simba was always destined to be king, that was never going to change. However, he had to go through a process to develop his character.

He had to change his mind so that his true character could be formed. We have to move from a knowing, into being.

The rest of the film shows how Simba’s character changed before he finally became the king he was meant to be.

If he did not go through the necessary process then he never would of developed the character that allowed him to be a good king.

We, as a people, are no different to Simba. No matter who we are or what we do, we MUST develop good character. We must go through training that will shape our characters, so that no matter where we are WE KNOW WHO WE ARE.

We must always be developing our characters. These traits and features we have will then sustain us in what we do. Our values, standards, attitude, and vision cannot be tinted because our character has been forged in the fire.

Character development cannot be cheated. Your external will always show your internal. If good character is not there then it will eventually show.

Having a title or being given a title, in the context stated earlier,  and developing good character alongside it is fine. The problem is being given or wanting titles and not developing good character.

Do not cheat yourself out of the character process. When you go through things, see the process of character through it.

There is no use in having a great future if your character does not match it.

Do not forfeit your character or take on a title with a premature character. We must check ourselves, our characters to see what we are being made of. Development is key.

The Sowers Seed

“Listen! A farmer went out to plant some seeds. As he scattered them across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them. Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow.  But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died.  Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants.  Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!  Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.” Matthew 13: 3-9 (NLT)

This story speaks of a farmer who plants seeds. It is illustrated to us that there are different types of soil which either promote or demote the growth of the seed once planted.

I wish not to talk about the soil but the seed itself, about man-made seeds. To understand the scope of my thoughts you must first understand what I mean by seeds. The dictionary defines seed as ‘any propagative part of a plant, including tubers, bulbs, etc., especially as preserved for growing a new crop.’ In less scientific speech, the part of a plant that creates reproduction, growth. It reproduces its own kind.

A farmer must know what seed to plant and how to look after it. Putting this into a spiritual, emotional and mental context; we are farmers too. We are farmers in two perspectives;

1. We must know what seeds are or are being planted within us.
2. We must be aware of what seeds we plant within others.

What seeds are inside of us? Doubt, fear, wrath, pain, unforgiveness, bitterness, strength, jealousy, love, hope, strife, dishonesty, loyalty, laziness, joy, lust, etc., the list goes on. There are many different seeds, we are responsible for the seeds that we allow to grow inside of us and their fruit (behaviours, attitudes, etc). These seeds are not originally created by man but they become man made seeds when planted as we have the choice to allow them to grow or uproot them.

Life has a way of producing certain seeds within us through how we respond to our situations and circumstances; however what about seeds we plant in others?

A less attractive but polished way to show this is through the film Alien Resurrection. Alien eggs have been planted inside human beings. Hating to state the obvious, aliens and humans are different species so we know that when the alien hatches that it is not going to be a pretty sight for the human. Likewise, this is also the case in less graphics with when we plant corruptible seeds in others. Just like the alien broke out, so do the wrong seeds when planted in others. The person will take on the nature of that which was planted.

Another visual of this is through Prue from the TV series Charmed. In series 3 episode 6, Prue comes across an innocent who is cursed with feeling all the pain of the world. The innocent is really a demon but Prue being unaware of his true identity helps him. Her spell backfires and she ends up with what he was cursed with. As this was not Prue’s portion, she began to fall because of that which she had taken upon herself.

Prue unable to contain the corruptible seed within

Alien Resurrection and Charmed let us know that there are two different routes in which man made seeds are planted. Alien Resurrection shows that others plant wrong seeds and Charmed shows that through lack of discernment we can take on the wrong seeds, another’s battle that is not ours.

Once a seed has been planted it goes through a process of growth. Either way, corruptible man made seeds bring death.

What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.” Matthew 15:11 (NIV)

That which is on the inside will eventually manifest on the outside. We must take a long look at ourselves, externally and internally, to see what seeds are inside us. Character and speech will tell us what is on the inside.

Seeds because of their reproductive nature will affect others, whether good or bad. Let us check ourselves today and seek help and change for making sure we do not find ourselves reproducing bad seeds or even taking on bad seeds ourselves.

A Written Wilderness

Writing is my inner design. I make words dance on paper with my pen. Their structures form like an unborn child taking shape in the womb. I scribe the letters of the soul and resurrect a story’s voice. Ink just flows from me, it runs through my veins as it knows every part of my vessel.

I can write all day. Emotions become transparent water, the hearts thoughts and motives unveil their true value and the adventure of life begins to unfold before the eyes of the very one reading the script. Writing is not just words, it is HEART.

I write simply because I want to write, it is natural to me. I open the textbook of my heart and flick through the spectacles of its dynamic pages. I am like a kid in a candy store, there is so much to see and choose from but you cannot have everything because it will make you sick. Writing is the same for me. I have floods of ideas that run into an ocean as wide as the Pacific but filtering them down stream is a much more mammoth task.

The world of writing is new to me. Reaching into unknown territory through layering research that some of the world of journalism has not exposed to me has been quite eye consuming. I did not know that there was so much involved. Looking at different types and styles of writing, familiarising myself with writing legends and jobs within writing has been mind trafficking, and that is not covering everything. The realisation of truth when crossing the borders of part of an unfamiliar land can be quite scary but rewarding once momentum has kicked in and the race has begun.

I am concluding that no matter the quantity of your head knowledge or having another tell you of your true potential, it is up to you to tap into your internal nature. As I said in my opening sentence ” writing is my inner design”, I still have to get to grips with the DNA of my writing. I believe and know that God has gifted me with writing but unlocking its totality is my written wilderness.

Wilderness can be denoted as a negative term. We associate it with dry, hot, over-exposed, unbearable and endless pain but we forget that the most important part of any wilderness is the JOURNEY. If we equate wilderness to the realms of a person finding themselves or digging deeper to pull something out of them that is hidden, then wilderness can take on a whole new meaning. We forget that we can still LIVE if we know how.

When I refer to a ‘written wilderness’ I am speaking of the wild, uncultivated writer within me that is yet to take on its full form. This is the part of myself with a gifting that needs to be worked on. You do not just form a new habit in two days, it takes one month to generate as part of a renewal process. It takes time.

 

My point is that I have a journalistic background which helps give me some foundations within writing but my written wilderness will be one of my biggest adventures of unmasking for myself. To live daily, unlocking my writing and where it will take me will be one of the hardest but greatest testimony’s of all time. Bettering my English, expanding my reading catalogue, learning and teaching this to others and many other duties are just a few stepping stones in an estuary. This is one of the greatest times of my life.

Help, advice, tips and wisdom are ALWAYS welcome. I write with the aim of bringing change to people’s lives by giving them a eye check-up through my writing. I must now look into doing this for myself internally,  riding the waves of my own mind. Let the path of excitement unroll.