Am I Still Writing?

Someone asked me this question the other day: “Are you still writing? I haven’t seen any stuff from you lately.”

Internally, I had a slight Sarah moment (from the Bible in Genesis 18) when her husband Abraham was being spoken to and told that she would have a baby. From another tent, she laughed inside and thought against what was said. I literally laughed within myself before I physically said “yes.”

Laughing to oneself

The only problem with writing is that when it becomes you, whatever is on your inside will begin to flow through your work. This could be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Your work can begin to reveal you. This is not the same for all writer’s; and I’m not suggesting or posing that it is, but this is the case for me currently.

So, I am still writing but I haven’t been publishing my works to the world. As a writer, I am very conscious of splitting personal works (not for public domain) and public works (blogs, websites; etc, that is shared with everyone).  I don’t believe that everything you write should always be shared. I don’t believe in just releasing everything you write to the world.  And I don’t believe in releasing works prematurely. I believe that you need to have wisdom in what you share with people as it can; and more likely will, impact them. I only wish to better a person, and quite frankly all that I have written lately does not always do that.

A writer’s works need to be filtered through, only bringing out the best whilst still revealing the reality of what is going on. But again, this is my view and not your holy grail.

If you know me, then you’ll know that my writing is very much focussed on the mind. I love creating characters and diving into their minds, and seeing what is happening inside of them in order for them to be shown. It’s quite like a revealing, I reveal them from the inside out; hopefully having a happy ending but this is not always the case.

Lately my genre has been psychological thriller. My works have been focussing on the inner thoughts of a person: what they are saying inside that is different from the outside, what they really believe, what they like, what they don’t like, where they agree and don’t agree, what they really think of themselves, etc.

Arguing and thinking within oneself

Whatever I write and in whatever format I do it in, it becomes very mental heavy. It engages the reader (currently myself) to really take a look at themselves. At times this can become very weary as now that I am further in my process of becoming a writer (see my previous post on this) my works are asking me the question of: Is this in you?

As a writer, when your work starts speaking to your personally, it can be quite a scary thing. When the character becomes more of you than you intended, you can only begin to answer the questions yourself; honestly and purely.

So again, yes I am still writing but I am also having a Jacob/ Israel moment (an old and new nature fighting against each other). My challenge has always been whether what I have is good enough, and unfortunately some people have answered the question incorrectly for me, and I have stupidly let them.

Now I need to answer that question myself and know how to press forward. So I need God to work on my inside so that all the writings I release are strongly convicted in me and freeing to the world.  So just because I have gone quiet, it doesn’t mean that I am not writing, but I am walking out this writer’s walk as my writings ARE ME.

So you will be seeing my writings soon. Bare with me as I war against myself and find confidence again in what God has given me. It’s not always so easy to “get over yourself,” but it is always possible to walk through it and be the best you.

 

It Costs To Be Me

‘Being Yourself’ has to be one of the biggest challenges that people face in their lives. The ability to be ourselves from the innocent in age to the fully formed adult the world has come to know. It seems like a never ending conquering wall in which we must climb until we reach the top and shout ‘victory’. Our world, its cultures and societal structures consist of visual imagery and sweet rhetoric forcibly fed to us reinforcing an identity of who we really are.

In growing up we become the lab rat for some weird experiment. A symphony for advertisers in which we sometimes fall in tune with and dance to due to the richness of their beauty. After years of becoming accustomed, captivated and sometimes mind numbingly unchallenging, we too can believe that which has been presented to us is who we really are. Just as if the mirror off the wall were walking hand in hand with us as best friends rather than reflecting our true self. Before you know it it is not until you peel back the layers that what we see underneath can be really quite different.

Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually we are on a journey and this journey is called life. Whether good or bad, life forms and shapes us into who we are today. Health, beauty, education, religion, relationships are just some of these branches which grow from us and form the fruit of their impact on us. Your choices play a big role in this shaping. Situations, circumstances and how we react to them emphasise who we become. Spiderman is a great, even though fictional, character that correlates with this blog post in its intended context. He clearly expresses that it costs to be yourself, your true self. This is very evident in the Spider-Man 2 movie.

Peter Parker was your average typical guy who was raptured in science. His benevolent relationship with his aunt May and Uncle Ben, perplexed relationship with Mary Jane, roller coaster friendship with Harry, scurrilous working relationship with his horrid boss Mr Jameson, unpopular lonely exterior were yet again some of Peter’s branches of life. After his spider bite and transformation into the infamous Spiderman, his life changed including all his branches.

SpiderMan 2

In living and trying to balance two separate lives an internal battle was created. The life of Peter Parker was both drastically and involuntarily changing in order to become Spiderman. All of the branches as spoken about above aided this internal war between Peter Parker and Spiderman. Peter could no longer hold fashion to the demands of Spiderman.  You can not be two people otherwise they will soon collide. Spiderman had a very different branch, he required the soul (mind, will and emotions) of Peter in order to defeat evil and save both the city and people therein. Peter’s soul and therefore his identity were in turmoil and at war on the battlefield. You can not be two people otherwise they will soon collide and one will win; which one is your choice.

SpiderMan 2 shows a season where SpiderMan loses his powers and Peter can once again live. His personal life had become a broken jigsaw puzzle and Peter’s soul was wavering. The heart and desires of Peter were enmity against the requirements of SpiderMan. He makes decisions based on what he wants rather than on that which he was newly becoming as SpiderMan. Some of those decisions prove fatal because it was going to cost Peter something; himself and sometimes we are not ready to count the cost of giving up ourselves.

Downward spiral in powers

SpiderMan is no more

To summarise throughout the rest of the film Peter has to make a choice; to live as he used to with a quiet, lonely and uninterrupted life or be the hero he has become because of change in his life. If you have seen the SpiderMan movies or read the comics then you’ll know he chose SpiderMan… but it cost him. I am not saying that he can not or will never be Peter Parker because that is not true but it costs him some of his branches in order to become who is really is.

To be your true self it will cost you something. This could be relationships, friendships, values and morals, jobs, health, beauty, religion, education, wrong thinking patterns, ritualistic behaviour; anything. The branches in our lives can sometimes have damaging effects but who you really are is what the world needs, not a form of you but a true identity. We all go through stages on experimenting and transitioning but if we become the person who we really are we must weigh up our branches and accept the reality that it will require all of us to be ourself.

Are You On Your Merry-go-round?

Image courtesy of: http://cuboidal.org/photos/2005/08/london/IMG_7270

You are at a travelling carnival and are about to take a ride on the merry-go-round. One of the most syked about rides; for all ages and it is not gender specific. It is for everyone and a happy fun ride. You can literally go on the ride over and over again; the same experience repeated with absolutely no change but each time feels different. The truth is that it is the same ride, going around in the same circle, in exactly the same spot. The only thing that changes is your emotions. However at some point the carnival must close for the night. You have to get off the merry-go-round and the owner shuts down the ride.

Life can sometimes be like that merry-go-round. You think you are moving when in reality you are jogging on the spot. The outside looks and sounds amazing but the internal nature has not changed, it only looks like it has moved. You fool everyone into thinking that all is well; your speech and learned habitual behaviour puts on a good show but eventually there is a leak. A leak when not fixed infiltrates other areas which also leak and before you know it there is no longer anything left standing because the necessary repairs were not made to the original leak.

What do you do when the performance is over? What do you do when the lights on your merry-go-round go off? 

Do you get off? Do you run? Do you hide? Do you keep putting the same mask on? Do you even switch back on the light or create another show? What do you do? Really think about it. Really look into yourself and ask yourself what you do.

It is so easy to go through life on a merry-go-round and sometimes we can not even be aware of the fact that we never got off the merry-go-round. Emotions, self will, our mind, decisions and situations, even people, society and culture place us into deception and tell us that we got off but our nature inside of us has not changed because really we are still on the merry-go-round.

It is a challenge to live. Living is not easy especially when you want to live right. Life becomes a chore to so many people because situations and circumstances dictate whether they truly live life or are living dead. The problem is if we do not choose to wake up on the merry-go-round and get off, eventually it will break down. Referring to the ride, the paint will start to ware off, the mechanics of the ride itself will begin to seize up and malfunction; basically the ride will not work properly if not maintained accurately.  The same can be said for a human; if they are not looked after properly and do not get what they need in order to live and be healthy then they will die.

So again I ask; What do you do when the performance is over? What do you do when the lights on your merry-go-round go off? 

This is even something I myself am having to look at in my own life. Merry-go-rounds are very comfortable. They are easy to get on but getting off is a challenge; a daily active decision to get up and move because if you do not then your show will go on. Your life will be wasted because of choosing the show over choosing your life.

This thought came to me and now I am sharing it with you. Take a look at if you are on a merry-go-round or not and if you are then charge yourself with getting off. Do not live in your performance because your performance may not be who you really are or even worse, just not real.

What Use Are You With Lips Sewn Shut?

I just want to share a quick thought with you all. I recently re-watched an episode of Criminal Minds from series 8 called ‘The Silencer‘. This episode is about a prisoner who is serving a life sentence, he escapes from a medical vehicle after it was involved in an accident. En route of his escape he kills the guard who was accompanying him and sews his mouth shut once dead. This is the same MO of a past killer called the Silencer and the team have to investigate whether it is the same killer or not. What stirred interest in me about this particular episode was the fact that the Silencer sewn the mouths of his victims shut. There was no room for them to speak… everything was silent, shut up.

This killer whilst on life sentence NEVER spoke. Silence was key to him and as the programme unravels you understand why. However this got me further thinking about people in general and got me thinking about the title of this blog post; What use are you with lips sewn shut? This is a question not only for me to think about and answer personally; neither is it a question of which I have the right to judge others by but it is a question for all of us to answer personally to ourselves and then act upon accordingly.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT)

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

Matthew 5:21-24 (NLT)

Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

Let me tell you 2 things that most of humanity hate;

1. Looking at and judging ourselves- our words, our behaviours and our decisions; whether they impact us or others.

2. Accountability- we do not always like being mature, responsible, owning up and accepting when we are wrong or if something is our fault.

The above scriptures if we simplify them generally state that if you have an issue with someone, go to them personally to sort if out and if that does not work then get WISE counsel from another to help sort it out. Simply, sort out your differences. It really is not hard but for some reason humans have managed to suck the life out of this easy process. We would rather sit with bitterness and hate in a pool of deception rather than take a seat in honesty and take on the grace of love and forgiveness. We keep it in and never settle things in our hearts, again I ask ‘What use are you with lips sewn shut’?

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 mentions there being a place and time for everything, this also applies to our mouths;

Proverbs 18:21 (The Voice version)

Words have power in matters of life and death and those who love them will savor their fruit.

When we speak we have the power to build and destroy, love and hate, forgive and not forgive… life and death. When we air issues out with one another we have to remember one important thing… emotions. Regardless of the issue at hand; hearts, minds and emotions have been damaged to some extent and we have to give way for these. We have to remember that we must let people be healed in these areas and not just expect everything to be how it used to be. It is better to say something in truth and love rather than out of duty and hate; causing death rather than life. We must not use anything as an excuse to keeps our lips sewn shut as this is no help unless silence is necessary.

Luke 6:45 (ENGLISH STANDARD)

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Proverbs 4:23-24 (AMP)

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. Put away from you false and dishonest speech, and willful and contrary talk put far from you.

Our heart is central and the key to us as a person, without it we can not live. We forget that our physical behaviours and mouths express what is flowing from our heart. So when you think you are not showing the truth, you really are without knowing. Sooner or later when that wall breaks it will all flow out, what was really there being hidden. Sometimes we forget that people can see what we are hiding and this causes further damage.

James 5:16 (NLT)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Luke 6:42 (NIV)

How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

No man (universal context) has the right to keep another man prisoner. Situations and circumstances may tell us we can but really we can’t. It is better to judge a situation and speak the truth in love rather than say nothing. When people are in need it is better to help them than leave them. Do not hold back or refuse to unlock someone else’s freedom because of an issue caused by both parties, yourself or another. We forgive and have to learn to forget. Allow your love to heal another.

Do not forget to look at yourself and be accountable for your part in a problem rather than just pointing out what others have done. The ugliest person on the the planet is the man (universal context) that refuses to look deeply at his own reflection in the mirror.

Read: Unforgiving servant

Will You Let Me See Beneath Your Beautiful?

Please watch the below music video:

The words in this song are so captivating. They literally are asking to see someone, to see behind the outer exterior and into the inner person; their soul. Humans are funny beings, the one thing which has never changed even from Adam and Eve is our ability to HIDE. We are masters of hiding. We have all heard those stories, if not our own, where we ourselves or others have hid so well that people never really know who we are. When you really think about it it is actually quite scary.

Life has its fair share of trials and challenges, these then help to shape the person we become. Everyone is different and things affect everyone in different ways. Once our character is shaped by what we go or have gone through we act accordingly to the affects. For example if someone hurts me I would just lock them off as it is easier to not deal with that person and the associated pain I now connect with them. A good way to look at it is through the visual of make-up. Make-up is used to cover up imperfections and bring light to our best assets. Truly what it does is hides what is really underneath and highlights that which we want it to highlight. What we want you to see we will show you and that which we don’t want you to see we will hide from you.

When our heart, mind and behaviours come to the surface, this is where these song lyrics come into play. When we really see beneath a persons beautiful, that outer appearance; are we really ready to accept that? Are we really ready to see beneath someone’s beautiful? The lingering question being;

“Can you accept who I really am?”

We all say that we should accept people for who and what they are and do. However let’s face it, if we are really honest with ourselves and each other we really don’t always accept people for who they really are or what they do most times. Society has become obsessed with the outside man, forgetting that what is inside the man is the true reflection of who he is (man in this context being universal for man or woman).

And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. (Mark 7:20 – English Standard Version)

Whether you believe in the Bible or not this principle still stands. Take for example if someone says a mean comment. The comment comes from their heart and mind (thoughts), it flows from the inside out. What is inside man is far more true and potentially far more dangerous than that which is outside.

No one is perfect, we all do things our own way. We handle things the best we can or think we can and it is not always the best way but at that time it is. We form habits, build addictions or simply repress, suppress, over compensate or ignore emotions; allowing our actions to follow our decisions. With account of all this in mind, can you really accept a person through all this? Through when they treat you good or bad based upon their stories, based upon their feelings, based upon their past or present? Again I ask you, Are we really ready to see beneath someone’s beautiful?

It is like when you find out something about someone and you do not like what you have found out. What do you do? Do you hide behind a veil, run or simply accept it?Again the question that comes to mind is Are we really ready to see beneath someone’s beautiful? Them secretly asking, Can you accept who I really am?

If someone shows you who they really are can and will you still accept them?

Where do you stand?…