Internally Shutter-boxed

Man can sometimes mirror machine. Not only has he the ability to function all day and night; sub-sectioning a vast intake whilst constantly re-charging but he also has the capacity to ‘break down’. Human nature has a way of dismissing that which it does not wish to face. Anything that causes internal conflict or outer uncomfortability can cause us to run like prey as if it were conscious of its predator.

Our life is the arena and we are the centre stage of it. All activity concerning us is present in the centre whilst spectators have their active or passive input. Our mind, will and emotions (soul), heart, spirit and physical being are all part of this centre which is affected by the activities of everyday life.

Situations and circumstances (activities of life) trailed alongside their outcomes form us as a people. Their affects shape and help build us into the people who we become and are today. These outcomes can have vibrant or fatal affects on us. We manifest the outcomes our situations and circumstances internally have on us. How we handle the outcomes begin to flow from us. They manifest behaviours and attitudes.

Our arenas; education, religion, work, economy and finance, politics, relationships- love/ family/ friends, culture and other avenues become infected . The exterior gives insight into the interior. How we handle decisions and choices, confusion, beliefs and doubts, unmet desires, frustrations and anger, discouragement, violence and abuse, etc is key to our internal selves.

At any given time or age these impacts on our heart, soul and physical selves still make us prone to the ability to shut ‘ones-self’ down. Today’s society is no better than the ancestors that have lived  before us and those yet to be birthed in a distant future. Even Adam and Eve hid once they had disobeyed God’s instructions (Genesis 3). Life and its hand dealings still have their impact on us.

The problem occurs when we internalise the problems by not handling them well or maybe not at all. We section off the parts we do not want to face. They become little stacker boxes or locked up crates with keys that can only be found in a treasure hunt. Some shut whilst others open. Internally we can hide in every corner or dark valley available to us that allows us to find shade rather than the light we need. We become masters of masquerading rather than transparent beings.

When we begin to shut down internally rather than be honest and face our Goliath’s (giants or mountains) we have a major problem. Not only will we become distant from our real selves but we begin to die inside.

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee” (King James Version).

Regardless of religion or culture the above scriptural principle applies. Whatever you think you are, you become. The only way of outgrowing what we become is in changing our thoughts and emotions through our decisions from the impacts of life. We become better or worse people based on the internal attitude and what we have been told of who we are and who we internally choose to be, leading to our external manifested self.

Life is different for every person, some worse than others but all still damaging in a way to that particular individual, which I think we all can agree on. The best advice is that regardless of what has happened, seek help. Whether it be through religion or counsel; never internally shut down or get addicted to something that will numb the pain of an internal bleed. Do not internally box yourself up into compartments and write on them the wounds of what happened. Dealing with every box is beneficial, hard but beneficial to you being ALIVE internally.

We think that because everything looks ok on the outside that all is fine but if the inside of a man is not living then he is walking dead.

Proverbs 4:23 reading from the New Living Translation version of the Bible reads “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life”.

Your heart is central to who you are. When you stop living from it you begin to feel its affects. Life throws some wicked curve balls at us but we can choose to face them and their percussions or internally shutter box; functioning with the lights off. Find a way to not shut down internally but face who you are becoming or have become internally.

 

 

On The Hamster’s Wheel

This is an interesting time in life for me. My early twenty’s, the glorious age of 23. I finished university roughly three years ago with an BA (Hons) degreee in Media and Communications (Journalism) and now I am currently working in the media as a media researcher.

From the age of 11 I said “I want to be a journalist”. I have never known why or can even give a reason even today, it was just always set in my mind; that is what I wanted to be. Since then I followed that pathway; Media Studies GCSE, Media Studies A-Level and then onto my degree. In reality I have achieved my goal of becoming a journalist, well the paper doumented side of jounalism anyway. I followed my decision and have the relevant skills and paper work to be a journalist.

However in my final year of university my heart shifted, I had a sudden change of mind. I remember being in one of my modules and suddenly I thought “I don’t want to do this anymore”. Was it all in my head?  Was my mind speaking or was it my heart? That is still the question I cannot answer not even today.

Now I am sitting here three years later and still cannot answer that very question. For twelve years I always knew what I wanted to be career-wise. Well there was one time where I thought I wanted to be a councellor but after doing A-Level Psychology I quickly changed my mind so that cleared that up. Moving back to the story; three years after my degree I have no idea what I want to be.

Do I want to be a journalist? Do I want to be in the media? How can one instant thought change my twelve year love with media? I cannot even answer that question and being a logical person that is quite frustrating. I spent twelves years finalising my young child dream and now it has blown up in my face. Can passions and dreams just change like that?

All the time I was in university I never thought about what happens if I do not want to be in journalism or even the media anymore; what are my other choices? I never created a plan B even though I minored in web/design and have the skills of Psychology and English Language behind me. It is not totally like I have no other options but the problem is vision.

The Bible says “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” (Proverbs 29:18– KJV). What I love about this scripture is the first statement “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”. I could break this down lingusitically and even decode it through textual analysis but since I love that we could be here all day (and night), so let’s not go there for now. My main and only point is NO VISION. This scripture mentally and emotionally describes my standstill in life at this present time. That one thought back in university has now, three years later, led me to have no vision. No vision for journalism and even worse; no vision for media.

I am reminded of a scene from my favourite Marvel character Thor. In the film there is a scene where he and Dr. Selvig and Thor go to a bar and Thor states that this is the first time where he does not know what he is to do. I love it! That is very much me right about now. I used to know what I wanted to do but now I do not.

This is the reason for this article, even the title of this article “On the hamster’s wheeel”. The concept of a hamster going around and around; going nowhere. The concept of being lost and stuck; a bit like Neo in ‘The Matrix’ or the children of Israel wondering aroud in the wilderness for 40 years (books of Exodus and Deuteronomy in the Bible) and even Thor in my previous paragraph. These are just a few examples that express how I feel about my career at this moment in time. I am a visual learner so visuals speak a language to me.

I think I need to definitely take some time out and reflect on ‘my vision’. Learn to depict, understand and re-work my passions, dreams and work on some goals that I have lost over the last two-three years. Habbakuk 2:2 quotes “And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain on tables, that he may run that reads it.” (American KJV). My emphasis in particular being in the key words “write the vision…. plain… that he may run who reads it.” Re-writing what I wanted then and the journey of what happened up until where I am now.

I guess this is where I start, back at the BEGINNING and the adventure begins again…